I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
