I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
