So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
