Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
