'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
