he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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