Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
