you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
