I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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