Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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