Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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