Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
