I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
