I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
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