she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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