So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
