RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
