I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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