All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
