omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I will pee on everything he values.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
