At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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