there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
