Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
