we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Randomize
