i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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