dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
