was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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