Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
