My nipple is on Facebook.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
