I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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