so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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