MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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