I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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