Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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