I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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