I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
