Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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