i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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