alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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