i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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