I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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