guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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