You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
