He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
