i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
