Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
