I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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