Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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