I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
