Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize