Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
