i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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