I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
