My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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