now i know why i became what i already was.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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