Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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