Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
