ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
