And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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