I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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