oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
