dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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