i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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