hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
