so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
